Whatever Happened To Iceland?
Icelanders are a proud bunch.
A session of Iceland’s Parliament, in the good old days…(the yellow bucket is for the vote on giving every Icelander a free face mask once a day, financed by money Iceland didn’t know it didn’t have.)
They have, after all, the oldest Parliamentary tradition in Europe, with the Althing being Europe’s oldest parliament. Things were going swimmingly well for Icelanders till quite recently. It was ranked the Most Developed Nation, according to the United Nations Human Development Index, in 2007. The UN knows a thing or two about Developed Nation…NOT. The country is considered one of the greatest, if not the greatest exponent of civil society of our era, and its people some of the blondest. For centuries its economy was almost entirely based on fishing, but in recent decades it started diversifying into everything from services, to manufacturing to banking. Suddenly, it started punching way above its weight, and somehow (don’t ask me how), Iceland’s biggest 3 banks ended up with six times their nations GDP of USD19bn. The government pulled the plug, the economy went into freefall (followed by the government) and went from exemplary nation status to basket case status sometime at the end of 2008, becoming effectively bankrupt. The IMF moved in and the rest is history.
So far, so bad, if you’re a proud Icelander.
But then things are about to get worse, if you’re a proud and fiercely independent Icelander, as most Icelanders said they were, till the IMF moved in and started treating their country likes its “bitch”. The IMF has a history of abusive relationships with the countries it finances. It’s power trip “thing”. But most recipients of IMF largesse are usually of “exotic” extraction and therefore used to being treated like shit. When you’re a vibrant European nation full of blond little things, your pride takes quite a knock
In common with most potential new EU entrants, Iceland has many unpronounceable places names. This definitely gives it an advantage should it want to apply to Brussels.
The new government of the first openly gay head of state of the modern era of Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir (I can’t claim to be able to pronounce her name well, but you can check her on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jóhanna_Sigurðardóttir) is openly pro-EU, once a position akin to anathema in the little, not to say belittled, island nation. But then beggars cannot be choosers. The EU would offer Iceland a home after its grandiose plans to conquer the world failed. The fact that the UK had to resort to anti-terrorist legislation to freeze Icelandic assets during the darkest days of the liquidity crisis, informed the Icelanders that their free-wheeling days were over. If you can’t beat’em, join’em. I mean, these measures were passed to deal with the likes of Iran, Al Qaeda and other miscreants. Iceland knew it had to join, or risk missing the boat. An if your island miles from anywhere, missing the boat is not a really clever thing to do. They might offer Iceland’s place in the EU to Afghanistan after all, the way the EU is expanding.
Afghani Taliban MEPs on their way to their inaugural address in Brussels the day Afghanistan was allowed into the EU
But just because Iceland has seen the “wisdom” of joining EU, it doesn’t mean that the EU bunch will be grateful for Iceland having made the fine choice of joining their shindig. The EU expansion thing has, mercifully, hit a few snags. Here are some:
1. Ireland still hasn’t ratified the REFORM Treaty, which is the old European Constitution with another name that makes it sound more progressive and dynamic. Without the Leprechaun Collective saying YES, or the Gaellic equivalent thereof, there is no chance of any further expansion, ever. The Irish will have a chance to vote during a referendum this year. However, if you have seen the sorry state of the Irish economy recently, the Irish may well decide that the end of the Irish dream may be a good time to tell the EU to go to Hell. No better time to trigger another potato famine and nurse more tragic myths about the Irish Condition. There is whole sector of the cinematographic industry that’s almost gone of out of business because of happiness and prosperity of the Irish nation. “Michael Collins”, “In the Name of the Father” and “Bloody Sunday” would have never seen the light of day had Ireland not been a great place for suffering. If the Irish choose the path of self-pity, then Iceland will remain outside the EU
Just the sort of Irish referendum result the EU, and Iceland, are not hoping for…
2. The rules of expansion are firmly based on unanimity. So everybody already in the EU must approve the new entrants, whether by parliamentary decree or referendum. We’re seeing how Croatia’s entry is being hampered by the fact that it’s in the middle of a territorial tiff with its ex-Yugoslav neighbour Slovenia, which happens to be already in the EU. You can expect, therefore, someone to have a problem with Iceland’s entry. The chances are that it will be the Spaniards. You see, Iceland has a lot of sea, and Spaniards are voracious eaters of seafood and their fleets can be found everywhere fishing legally and illegally. From Canada, to the Pacific, Spanish fishermen can be found causing havoc with other countries’ fish stocks. It has something to do with the fact that the Spaniards have decimated all fish stocks nearer to home, and their predilection of all sorts of exotic seafood from faraway places. Iceland will therefore be expected to surrender all its national waters to Spaniards and any other EU nation. Icelanders will be blockaded in their own harbours till the Spaniards have decimated their waters too. The price of joining the EU will be high for them.
The Spanish take their fish very seriously, so their fishing expeditions are given every chance of success, like military escorts, for example…
So what can Iceland do?
I have a few suggestions which I hope their new blonde and sexually emancipated PM might want to consider.
1. Tell the EU to Pack Its Bags and Take Up the USD
A cursory glance at the map of Iceland, will tell you that its affiliation with the European continent is based on the most tenuous pretexts. It is in fact not that much further away from Canada and the US. They should take advantage of President’s Obama’s lenience with small wayward island nations within his backyard. Iceland can follow Cuba’s lead and adopt the USD as its currency and try to get into NAFTA, say. Its currency, the Krona is well and truly dead and there is no point going through the pain and hassle of a peg. Just take up the dollar and tell the EU where to get off. Sarkozy would never be able to live with the humiliation of seeing Obama beat him once again in the popularity stakes. He’ll be on the place to Reykjavik in no time offering the Icelanders to join the EU (and the Francophonie) in no time. One way or another, it will be a great way to have a bargaining chip with the EU
Iceland’s new currency, adjusted for Icelandic inflation, and taste…
2. Take Up Piracy
The worst thing that has happened to Iceland in the last few months is that it has disappeared from the headlines. Iceland cannot afford to have the rest of the world think that they have resolved all their problems and gone back to thermal baths for a well-earned hot soak. That would be disastrous. Iceland is a totally dysfunctional country that needs all the headlines it can get to remain a contender for more help. It’s in luck, for Somalia is another dysfunctional country that’s been crying for attention since it last made the headlines in 1993 with the slaughter of 18 US Marines. Back then, the events were immortalized with Black Hawk Down, which gave the country some much needed notoriety for a while. But when the excitement kind of evaporated, they had to resort to piracy.
The Icelanders are seafarers and once famous whalers. They should go out and try to harpoon a few large supertankers, drag them back to Reykjavik and wait for international attention. The worst that will happen to them is that they will gain the reputation of Pirates, which, I am sure you will admit, is a far better title than Financial Failures. They might even make enough booty from their raids to sell the lot on Ebay and pay off their IMF debts.
If Icelanders cannot bring themselves to do some piracy, they can always advertise for Somali pirates, give them work permits, and bleach them…After all, they were good at bleaching money.
3. Declare War on the United States and the EU
In the movie, The Mouse That Roared, a small nation in dire financial straits, the Grand Duchy of Fenwick, declares war on the US in the hope of being roundly beaten. The idea is that the Americans, known for being generous victors to a fault, would then flood the little Duchy with Marshall Aid-style funds to get its economy back in shape. Unfortunately for the Grand Duchy of Fenwick, it won the war. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mouse_That_Roared) Iceland’s Prime Minister should learn from the mistakes of the Grand Duchy. Icelandair flies regularly to New York and one flight can be packed with a bunch of Icelandic commandos disguised as, errr…, as a group of Abba fans visiting the US. Once there, they can take over JFK and make a nuisance of themselves and hold out until the US bombs Reykjavik. They should then surrender and thank their lucky stars that Guantanamo is closed. Orange overalls only look good on swarthy complexions.
Luckily for Iceland, its ineffectual anti-missile measures could not prevent the US Air Force from establishing air superiority. The war ended the day it started.
© Sameh El-Shahat 2009