Sameh El-Shahat’s Blog

Imagine the following scene. Two parents, one strict and one indulgent having to deal with a bunch of spoiled kids. The strict one (mum or dad, couldn’t tell nor care, this is not a gender column) always finds that the kids will ultimately side with the indulgent partner. This ultimately causes friction between the parents to the point that it may put their marriage under considerable strain. Nobody loves to be constantly portrayed as the boring disciplinarian one.

Now let’s replace the cast of actors in this fractious domestic scene with something closer to home. So the members of the Euro family are:

·         Mama Euro: Germany. Strict. Thrifty, dull, dependable

·         Papa Euro: France. Loose. Drama Queen, profligate and loves nothing better than maxing out credit card at Maxime’s

·         Spoiled Euro brats:

o   Greece. Taramasalata economy with too much olive oil and precious little to show for it. Believes herself a descendent of the Ancient Greeks and spends like Midas

o   Spain. Snorting too many tapas and a predilection for excessive property speculation

o   Portugal. Where’s the money gone? Always looking a mess despite excessive cosmetic surgery

o   Ireland. Affable but ended up falling for its own blarney. Wants money for an abortion of a baby nicknamed Success, that’s not its own

o   Italy. Stylish, peacock-like and utterly self-obsessed to the point of being vacuous. Doesn’t care about debt, so long as she looks good, bella figura style

This is Bacalhau or dried salted cod. As I write this, it is the only reason why Portugal got into the EU and the EURO. But if the reason for them being there is the need for having some Portuguese speakers for a spot of diversity, then why not let in Brazil. Their women are beautiful, their dialect is sexier, and they have a space program of their own. They also know how not to treat fish so it tastes like salty carpet.

This is the Euro family and the Euro brats are all after more pocket money to bail them out of the mess they’re in. They look to France to lean their way, as they have some of the largest public debts within the larger EU clan. The public deficit of Greece, this year, is expected to reach 100% of GDP. Italy, on the other hand, is happily looking forward to public deficit of 110% of GDP by next year and intends to have a party to celebrate! Italy does nothing by halves.

After the collapse of the Spanish economy, the national sport will now only use bears...

Mama Euro, played by the very able actress Angela Merkel, has no intention of throwing the family fortune (she’s the moneyed one in the marriage) on a increasingly ineffective husband and even more useless brood. So she refuses to hold big family meetings anymore, because she finds she comes under too much pressure from hubby and kids and ends up looking like shit. That is why Merkel has resisted Sarkozy (Papa Euro)’s calls for a Euro-Zone summit where she will probably be shamed into opening her purse.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2009/03/04/europe/letter.php

Mama always lost at SCISSORS, PAPER, STONE, but surely there are better ways to takes decisions on the family budget

Mama Europe has some allies, like the Netherlands, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Luxembourg, the Czech Republic and Poland. They are all very ascetic rational types with very low debt. But sadly they cannot come to her immediate help as, with the exception of the Dutch, Finns and Luxembourg, they are not Euro family members. Yet another reason why Mama Europe would rather not have Euro family meetings too often.

The EU family has good candidates to replace some of the EURO junkie kids. The Czechs won't be asking for too many cheques, unlike greasy Greece

http://www.economist.com/opinion/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13184594

There was a time when the Euro family was the star of the EU clan, and in fact, there was talk of the EURO famille moving out of the ancestral lands into better accommodation leaving the non-EURO bunch behind. But now that the EURO family is in trouble, the whole EU grand plan looks like the world seen through a very bad hangover after a night of serious excess.

May be we should ask the question of whether we should consider letting Morocco or Egypt into the EU. If the answer seems a complete and utter “NO WAY, JOSE”, as it rightly should be, then may be we should be asking what Greece and Portugal are doing inside the EU in the first place.

While an excellent appetizer, the taramasalata alone cannot replace prudent fiscal policies, let alone a functioning economy, come to think of it!

Greece and Portugal don’t have to leave the EU. After all the Greeks supposedly gave us culture, although the only culture in Greece to speak of at the moment is their delicious yogurt. And Portugal, well, I don’t know what exactly what it is, or does for that matter. But Papa and Mama Euro may get on a lot better if some of their hopeless brood are kicked out to fend for themselves. There are better kids out there to adopt, like Poland and the Czecks. Yes, that would mean Greece and Portugal defaulting on their Euro debt obligations and being considered pariahs for  a while, but at least the whole family won’t be declared bankrupt.

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009

Ok, let’s picture this.

·         Madonna asking for the autograph of her backing band

·         The pope asking for the blessing of some minor monk

·         Gordon Brown, British Prime Minister, signing autographs in congress

Which is the one least likely? Duh? Too easy? Yes, it is the last one.

If you ever wanted any further evidence to the fact that Americans are the nicest and most insecure powerful people on earth, despite being its major superpower, you needn’t look any further than the goings on in the US Congress on 4^th March 2009. US lawmakers – who run the world’s most powerful state – were queuing to get the autographs of Gordon Brown, the leader of an increasingly insignificant ally and client state.

Gordon Brown would never return back home. Finally, he had discovered the true meaning of being popular and loved.

Long Live America…

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009

Is that a Kindle or an E-Book in his hand? Or may be it's one of those tablet thingies. One way or another, he would have had no use for a keyboard

It’s a good thing he wasn’t a Catholic, otherwise he would have been beatified and canonized by now. So a Saint, he may well be, but a visionary? I’m not so sure. This is a famous quote of his.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

He obviously did not anticipate the onset of the blogs like this one. So much for the visionary.

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009

Let’s set a few parameters here first. I am neither a supporter of Amnesty International, nor do I believe that all African leaders are of the Mugabe variety. Some are corrupt, others are dangerous, and some are just plain stupid. The only one that is adored universally is Mandela and that’s because the West had to love him to make up for our tacit support of Apartheid for so long. White supremacy led to the enthronement of a black saint. One extreme always leads to another. Something similar happened recently in the US…

First Bashir went for the intellectual look, such a disguise did wonders for South American Junta leaders, but he just never had the latin charm and his suits were badly cut...

Nor do I believe in chic international courts, such as the International criminal Court, that does not have the backing of the United States, Russia, India or China. Such courts usually lack the teeth to back their jurisdiction with real action. Courts that are backed mainly by Europeans, such as the ICC, are usually less obsessed with law, and rather more with an ill-placed belief that Europe must make amends for its territorial past by arresting the kind of black leaders it used to support in the past, also because it can no longer do business with them due to negative public opinion. Ironically, all the cases currently going the ICC are against Africans from Uganda, the Congo (DRC), the Central African Republic, and Sudan. Anybody will tell you that these are all God-forsaken places that we lose nothing by calling them pariah. The post-colonial honeymoon enjoyed by African “charismatic” leaders has come to an end. Europe is in no mood to tolerate you unless you choose to espouse the causes of democracy, green energy and same sex marriages. It does help if you have oil, like President Bashir of Sudan did, but then he should never have overplayed his hand in Darfur. European governments need be voted for by people who like George Clooney, after all. (I never got the Clooney charm thing).

Then he tried the fetishist military uniform with the all the regalia, but Hitler and Mussolini had used it and abused it

When it comes to dictators, our first instinct in Europe is to collude, collaborate, appease, and if nothing else works, then we confront for lack of a better thing to do. The only exception to the rule was my hero Churchill, but that’s another matter and another era. That’s why the Bosnian war dragged on for so long, as we tried to play off one side against the other and look clever doing it. If it weren’t for American intervention, the war would have dragged on. And if it weren’t for the US, the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia would never have taken off.

The whole point of an international court is that the backers of it can never be its defendants. With the ICC however, its mandate seemed to be so broad that it could arrest anybody, even a citizen of one its signatory states. So it makes sense not to back it, as then you can always say that you do not recognise its jurisdiction to try you.

When all else failed, he went for the Holy Man look to try to evade capture but it was too late. The ICC had sent agent Clooney after him. Actors know all about disguises...

Having said all that, I think we have entered new and uncharted waters with the first ever indictment and issue of arrest warrant for a sitting head of state. Sudan has just scored a truly unique first. Even Saddam never had such an honour bestowed upon him. President Bashir of Sudan, I never knew what your country’s contribution to human civilisation truly was until you came along. Sudan has just justified its existence. It is the country that gave the ICC a job to do and some much needed publicity. More importantly, you have given George Clooney a new career as Chief Loony Hunter, or C. Loony H, for short. Just call him CLoony

.

C.Loony H, or CLoony for short, campaigning in a post-Bashir Sudan with a view to a political career, as part of a secret swap. The US gets Obama so long as Sudan promises to take C.Loony H. Kenya OK'd it.

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009

I remember being told by a good friend, who happens to be a psychotherapist, that delayed gratification is a sign of a balanced mind. You know, it’s when you really want to gorge yourself on cakes or sleep with a thousand people, but then you count till 10, have an apple or a cold shower, and reconsider your choices. Basically it is all about not giving in to temptation and feeling good about yourself for doing so.

We are living through very interesting times. Our markets have proven to us that they, just like us mere mortals, are anything but rational let alone balanced. Chaos and uncertainty abound all around us, and yet order has not broken down. So someone like Robert Allen Stanford or Bernard Madoff can still count on due process and a fair trial. Between them, they have destroyed the lives of untold thousands, many of whom would love nothing better than to lynch them. No chance in hell, for they shall be afforded all the niceties that white collar criminals throughout the world have come to expect: bail, house arrest, nice clothes and a long, long life. We may have unbalanced minds as individuals, but by not hanging Stanford and Madoff tomorrow, our societies are displaying a most balanced collective mind. Very frustrating, I hear you say!

His application to join the Mogadishu Posse was turned down on account of his not having a code of honour when he stole from his friends

And despite his tan and Carribean connections, his was turned down on account of being too white. Pirates need to blend into their environments.

Now that’s all fine and dandy if you have a balanced mind. But for most of us, such a thing is a rare luxury indeed. Often, we just love nothing better than getting that buzz that comes from instant gratification! Life’s too short for the delayed variety. You never what might happen if you don’t pull the trigger now, and miss on all that fun. And that brings me to piracy.

This man can help us make our capitalist system simpler and has given our jaded justice system a much needed boost. He and his likes have not only hijacked ships, but news headlines too

Luckily the rise of piracy has come to our aid. For it is through it that we can give vent to our anger and sense of helplessness. A crime that we had relegated to the history and story books has come to our aid during these, our most demanding time. I must say that I am so chuffed that piracy is back! There is something so Romantic about it and it takes us back to more uncomplicated times. You know, it is a really old-fashioned crime. The disappearance of the manufacturing base in the West has meant that theft involved a lot of intangible assets. We had to invent such terms as “white collar crime” which, I don’t know about you, you can’t relate to and most importantly, you can’t really ever punish too harshly. Look at Madoff, Enron, and the like… Piracy takes us back to a simpler age, and the best thing is that you get to kill the bastards straight away rather than waste endless money and time trying to extradite them!

It looks like dead and surrendering pirates to the average Joe, but this is nothing less than a paradigm shift for us. Instant justice!

Somali pirates remind us of how badly we need more simplicity in our lives. In the process, they are also showing us that simpler and better regulated markets – and it doesn’t get any simpler than shipping and supertankers – are more likely to produce more obvious criminals less likely to produce massive fraud and chic white collar crime. Next time they hijack a ship and ask for a ransom like they did with the Saudi Tanker Sirius Star, let’s send them Madoff and Stanford. Now that’s what I call extraordinary rendition.

If Madoff could hide it in his dodgy accounting system, he would have. But it was too obvious and couldn't bring him the kind of returns that could finance his expensive tastes. He lived in Manhattan, not Mogadishu. Instead, he turned to a less regulated and more sophisticated market which was far easier to hoodwink and steal from.

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/0c99d484-0751-11de-9294-000077b07658.html

The Eagles, in “Hotel California”, made a whole song and dance about how you can “Check out, but you can never leave” some nightmarish hotel. We beg to differ. You can Czech out AND leave the EU, an equally freaky place, in fact we can all do so and end this whole EU charade, if the Czechs and other New Europeans have their way. The current crisis helps. Read on…

In 1618, a bunch of Protestant grandees gathered in Prague Castle to try two representatives of Holy Roman Emperor. At the time, Bohemia (Czech Republic of today, more or less) was part of the sprawling Hapsburg Empire. The Protestants were worried that the Catholic Emperor was going to take away their religious freedom rights. It was the little guys standing up to the big bully of a super-state under which they had been enduring one ridiculous demand after another. If this sounds familiar, read on. The Imperial representatives were found guilty and summarily thrown out of the windows of the Bohemian Chancellery. This famous event became known as the Defenestration of Prague and led to the Thirty Years war. This eventually led to the 1648 Treaty of Westphalia which triggered a long series of events that led, eventually, to the breakdown of the Holy Roman Empire, an early and rather more primitive form of the European Union. The idea of a super-state would enter a steady decline until the Treaty of Rome of 1957 which would revive it give birth, eventually, to the European Union.

It is standard EU policy that EU officials never meet alone with Czech officials in rooms with windows that can be opened from either the inside or the outside. The 1618 events, above, may well be the cause, but this has never been confirmed.

Fast forward to January 2009. When President Vaclav Klaus ended up being in charge of the EU rotating presidency on 1^st January 2009, all he could do was growl. In doing so, he was actually following an age old tradition of big unwieldy empires coming to a sticky end in Prague due to its unruly (and Sarkozy would even call them ungrateful) denizens.

It's Central Europe, but it's becoming Central to the End of Europe, according the Brussels Bible

You see, Vaclav hates the EU. And rightly so. It is a huge, doctrinaire, undemocratic, demagogic, and totally superannuated organisation that will stifle all free expression. That didn’t stop the Czechs begging, crawling and promising to do triple somersaults backward to be allowed into it. But then, after being for so long in the deep embrace of the Big Soviet collective, they saw in the EU a saviour. They would have joined the African Union if it meant it got rid of their Soviet past in one fell swoop. In effect, their reasons for coming into the EU were self-serving and selfish. Which was very honest of them, and the best part of it all, is that they never stopped being honest. The Czechs never deluded themselves with the EU’s Utopian carrot. They see it for what it is. Their choice of an art piece commissioned to celebrate their arrival to the top job said it all. It was an installation that represented most of the EU members with 3D representations of an honest caricature nature.

This for example below was what they thought of Bulgaria:

I thought these squat toilets were a French idea...In any case, impressive plumbing, I thought it was a gas pipeline

That was Bulgaria as a toilet, in case you were wondering. Other countries didn’t fare much better.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/eu/4250933/Czech-EU-presidency-apologises-for-artwork.html

Now, they are in charge of it, they are making sure they are not cooperating except to do the minimum to get by. The financial crisis has forced them to adopt a more involved attitude, but the Czechs’ heart is not really in it. If the Czechs manage to infect more EU countries with their scepticism, it is safe to say that it would be CZECH MATE for the EU! Hurrah!

Here are a few reasons why central and eastern Europe (oh, and the Baltics too) can bring down the entire sorry excuse for a super state that is the EU

·         Economically

They large part of them rushed their entry procedures, often fudging their EU entrance requirements to satisfy zealous Brussels demagogues intending on placing everything west of the Urals in the EU before noon, so they can go have a long subsidised lunch. Attracted by the prospect of big budgets for all sorts of development programs, a whole bunch of deficit-creating flaws were papered over in the name of European harmony. Expecting a happy ending (because the EU always goes one way, towards more integration, except for the odd hiccup, irrespective of the people’s view), these countries expected their economies and currencies to converge happily with the Euro area. So countries like Hungary started offering mortgages in Euros and Swiss Francs which had lower rates. Then came the financial crisis and the local currencies all plummeted. Suddenly all these foreign loans looked so expensive to service that some central European countries had to be saved by the IMF from bankruptcy.
These clever East and Central Europeans had managed to convince Austrian, French, German and Italian banks to provide them with a ready-made banking sector. Now if their economies go down, they take down West European economies down with them by wiping out their banks…

·         Politically

Central and Eastern European countries have always been part of enforced political clubs like the Soviet Union and the Hapsburg Empire. Their attraction to the EU has always been the better economics and quality of life, not the political integration as only they know only too well how it all ends in tears. It’s like a person who has a history of repeated bad marriages, getting divorced and now just wanting to enjoy the going out and sleeping around without the marriage.

Old Europe fell asleep, dejected. New Europa was only offering him wild sex, several times a night, but no chance of ever accepting his marriage proposals...And to think he had thought Britannia a cold bitch...

Continuing with the analogy, the relationship between East Europe (or New Europe) and Western Europe (or Old Europe) is one of clashing ambitions. Old Europe has been single for far too long and wants to settle down and have kids to compete with China and the US, and New Europe has just escaped from a long dysfunctional and often violent marriage to a certain Mr Boris Soviet and now just wants to be courted by us, have us buy her  flowers and chocolates, even sleep with us, but forget marriage.

·         Culturally

My experience of Central and East European people is that they are a no-nonsense hardworking people with a strong family ethic.

They are often portrayed as racists. That is no more true than Western Europe being racist. They are not politically correct, that is far truer and why should they be? Political correctness towards other races as we exemplify in the West, is really nothing more than a form of condescension and hypocrisy based on some vague sentiment of colonial guilt, often of the synthetic variety. In so far as I know, the Slovaks, Czechs and the Poles never had African Empires.

Nobody would ever sue Mr Topolanek or his daughter in their home town for racial incitement. So the EU Courts took up the case and sent them to the Hague for not insulting a sinple person in Prague. Rather, this being the EU, they are now serving time in prison for a upsetting a couple of white people in the UK who felt "emotionally distressed at their actions". Non PC World was fined for selling the most popular Patrice Lumumba punchbag in its history.

If anything, they had always been forced into other people’s empires. First, it was the Hapsburgs, under the Austrian yoke, then after a short breather, under the Soviets. Then, in an enforced experiment of camaraderie with the unwashed and the oppressed, they were forced to feel spontaneous solidarity with such places as the Congo, Mozambique and Angola, hence the unusually high preponderance of universities called Patrice Lumumba.

But when the Soviets left, so also did enforced marriages with other races. Not for the central and East Europeans our often guilt-based multicultural sensibilities. In any case, each one of these countries had at least one minority problem of its own, before worrying about more exotic minorities whom they had to love, or at least pretend to love, when the EU knocked on their doors with a whole bunch of demands.

But you can just imagine the Poles and the Czechs and the Hungarians laughing all the way to the bank when they were told by, by of all people the French and, wait for it, the Austrians, their old slave masters, that they had to be kinder to such people as gypsies, blacks and Arabs (that may include me, when I’m not feeling English, British, Egyptian or Pharaonic), Indians, Inuits and Bengalis in order to get their hands on billions in EU cohesion funds. The Soviets had forced them to fraternise with far worse and even forced them to pay for it.

Let’s now go back to the events of Defenestration of Prague of 1618. The two Imperial representatives were unceremoniously thrown out of the window and landed in a pile of manure. With a little bit of luck, Prague can manage to get another super state in deep shit.

Long live the Czech Republic!

http://www.economist.com/world/europe/displaystory.cfm?story_id=12724780

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/bruno_waterfield/blog/2009/01/14/no_to_an_eu_ban_on_czech_art_exhibit

http://www.economist.com/world/europe/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13209335

© Sameh El-Shahat 2009